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Tuesday, 01 August 2017 12:51

Seconds Out .....Morning TV Arena

Written by
They're kicking off on Jeremy Kyle again
Swearing and fighting till security came
Then on comes Graham
With The Aftercare team
To save the face
and cut to the advert break!

There's accusations and shouting
About this and that emails and Facebook accounts
Cheating ,Lying, Stealing, Crying
Floods of tears on the outcome
of the Lie Detector and DNA results

There's verbals and punch ups
off camera in the green room
Jeremy's on the floor
giving what for!
The Audience laugh,boo, and cheer
On a given stage mananged direction
A violent guest high on a cocktail drugs
Charges past giving a full verbal B.S .flow
Expletives are fired like machine gun rounds
Steve on Security steps in now
Getting between the brawl!

Then off they run stage left and right
The microphones still on and attached
To the Druggie on Spice
He's having a breakdown and off his head
So another advert break and we''ll be right back!
Jeremy and Graham now calm the situaton down
Do some tough talking with all of the ontorarge
Persuading the person involved a detox course
is the only way he can change his life
Then into the waiting saloon car
for the intensive rehab
It's the only choice they have got
It don't come around Twice!
All viewed daily on the Morning TV  Arena
and see it on catch up also!

Monday, 31 July 2017 13:24


Written by

I broke your heart ,you broke my jaw
With a flying dropkick you left my lying on the floor
You gave me a dead leg, and Chinese burn
You said i was a love rat and had something to learn!
 Then the Half Nelson and three falls and a knockout!
I was getting the full bodyblow bruising mission
I pleaded for no more .....
Then you said .....on the canvas floor
I only require your Submission!
before i show you the door!

 I only said ,you are drop dead Gorgeous
the tattoos on your arms are talking to us!
Next i heard was a crunch of bones
When i crashed to the ground
Like a domino fall of Stonehenge stones
You pulverised me in a  meat Tenderiser
I was a dead man walking, with a glass jaw
I pleaded for no more.......
Then you said ..you'll be sorry
I only require your unconditional surrender
and total Submission!......

Monday, 31 July 2017 12:56

The Texas Chainsaw Manicurist!

Written by
Old Leatherface they used to call me
I'd lop off heads and that would make me happy
A night to dismember limbs and Torso too
Drinking a warm bloody Mary instead of  my  Cappachino!
Then one day the fun wore off
I needed a career that'd pay for a shop
There i could do all kinds of other things
After all i had transferable skills
 So i set about changing my ways
getting a makeover from Jeremy Kyle
After intensive treatment for my obsession
I became a Hollywood Celebrity  Person
Like Edward Sissorhands who became a
a famous Hairstylist
I could see myself as Trim and Slice Artist
Manicures and pedicures would be
with artiistic flair
The Texas Chainsaw Manicurist
can cut your nails if you Dare?
Monday, 31 July 2017 12:40

What's the Question?

Written by
Not the sharpest knife in the Draw
Dumb you down of that i'm sure
Thick as Brick, and twice as Dense
Couldn't even pass a simple test
University Challenge by Jeremy Paxo
Stuffed by a trick loaded Question
How do you keep an Idiot in Suspense?
Waiting for the answer and looking for insperation
Wetting you pants ,Extreeme flatunce and constipation
Not the sharpest knife in the Draw
Dumb you down of that i'm sure
Being stupid is your Profession
Never mind the Answer
What's the Question?

Now Sunglasses at night
That's really cool
Falling flat on your face
Prince of Clowns ,King of Fools
Throw out the Teddy from that Cot
Having temper tantrums and a smacked Bot
Withdrawal symptoms from your mobile phone
The lights are on ,but no one's home

Thick as two short planks
A brick short of  a load no thanks
Mind full of Realty tv Love Isalnd Trivia
Take you holidays on the Garston Riveria
Now just one more thing i must mention
Never mind the Answer
What's the Question?

Monday, 31 July 2017 12:07

Room with a View

Written by
Angel of the North ,why don't you fly home?
Hang up your metal wings and go it alone
There's no jobs here in Redundancy street
All washed up with two left feet
There's nothing to do ,but sign on the Dole
Except to look out from a window
In a Room with a View!

Angel of the North ,why do you stand so still?
High above the town on a distant hill
Come on down to where the Orange streetlight shines
Over the Derilict Steelworks and Shipyards  that died
But until then ,there is only one thing to do
Just keep looking out from that window
In a Room with a View

Angel of the North,spread your wings and fly away
Into the sunrise of a new day
Circle high above in cirrus cloud dream
Travel the world high in the Jetstream
But you are in Miniature ,you stand in static place
Just staring blandly out ,with a blank face 
Striking a artistic pose in an Exhibition space
Wings over Mathew street ,on a mission of peace
Just look out of a second story window
of the View two Gallery ,a room with a View!

Friday, 28 July 2017 12:30

Brass Monkey

Written by
The dog ate the sofa, there's an Elephant in the room
There's a budgie in my Snugglers, The Cheshire cat has vanished to!
There's a Tiger in my tank, My ducks are all in line
Brian the Snail is having a Shellsuit time
Cuddles the Slug leaving a trail of slime!

Get that Monkey off my back
He's high on skunk weed and crack
Get that monkey off my back
Swinging through the trees
with Tarzans coalmans empty sack
Get that monkey off my back
marking territory with a urine attack!

There's a bird nesting in Boris Johnsons Hairdo!
There's a smartass kid without a clue
There's a Norweigien Blue Parrot pining for the Fjords to
There's a Porpoise with no purpose and blue surf shoes

There's a Big Fat Cat who's got the cream
There's that Bogie man picking a new seam
There's an Armadillo hiding in your pants
There's Ferret who's been learning to dance

There's Jeff the talking Mongoose at Dorlish Cashen
He does strange things ,because he can
Living in a house up on the hills
He's a poltergiest with unusal skills!

Friday, 28 July 2017 12:17

Top of the Pops

Written by
Let's take a look at what's been done
Let's check the charts for the Number One
They're on the Old grey whistle test
Out to prove that this band's the best
Get the lead out your Jiving boots
With a fancy haircut and Carnaby street suits
Flashy cars and the latest eye candy
A record deal advance spending spree

Now you are on tour in the public eye
All the paperatzzi want a piece of the pie
Reaching for the sky with a handfull of licks
Starring on Glastonbury ,you're shitting bricks
Making the most of it ,while it lasts
Very soon ,you'll be another cabaret band
Forever playing the one hit wonder
A burnt out end of the pier act

Push hard the cradle rocks
Climbing the greasy pole
all the way to the top
Miming and strutting on Top of the Pops
Then crashing back to the ground
When you drop like brick and breaking rocks!
Friday, 28 July 2017 11:58

Venus de Nitro

Written by
She may look pretty harmless
But she's ready to blow you mind
she's a work of art of the marble kind
She's an explosive temper on a short fuse
She is called Venus de Nitro, Ladies got the blues!

Please don't get her angry or irate
You don't want to give a cocktail to shake her
She's a quick temper ,so tread lightly and tiptoe
Don't activate her instant  detornator
In that explosive situation you'll meet her maker!

Get a bigger bang for your buck
Venus de Nitro will be your lady luck!
Thursday, 27 July 2017 14:01

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

Written by
Schlittenglocken klingen, horst du sie?
Auf dem weg glitzert der Schnee
Welch schoner anblick
Heut Abend Sind wir froh
Spazierien durch ein Winter-Wunderland

Christmas with friends at the Philharmonic
working in the Orchestra office
Irmtraud, Kim and I
It was silly season and we learnt christmas songs in german
one of which was Walking in a Winter Wonderland
which we sang at the top of our voices!
Thursday, 27 July 2017 13:58

Stallion in swathes of blue

Written by
Stallion in swathes of blue
statuesque in the distance
a vision on the hill
so eerily still
suspended in mid air
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